So, no one ever even comes on here anymore ever. but i need to write about where i am and how i feel because if i don't i will explode.

3 years ago, i fell in love... and over the past three years we have been through more than anybody even knows about. there have been really bad things, and really good things that i'll never forget...

because of the bad, my family does not like or approve of our relationship. but you can't help who you love, and for me it's like i am so connected to him that i can't picture myself with anyone else.. i can see through him and i see his heart. and i love who he really is..

if i could go back and change certain decisions that i made before, i would. bu i am where i am.. and i can't change that...

i feel like my heart is sawing itself into 2 pieces right now...

how do you turn off love.

i understand that you need to think with you head and not your heart... but when i am with him, i'm home...

and i can't even imagine that part of m,y life not being there. he gets me..

"you're putting him before your family" cuts me to the bone... that is the last thing i ever wanted to do...

and yet, recently how i have been treated.... i feel degraded, judged, and unloved.

i think about this year and i am pissed off at everything. pissed about my friends that have passed away 3 in a row, and pissed off that i feel the way i do.. pissed off that i feel lost... confused and alone in this busy town.

i have never felt so unreal in my life...

i feel like i am wandering in a black room with nothing to hold on to..

and i feel so far away from God.